Why does good things always have to end?

It is the end of Chinese New Year holiday. Tomorrow is a working day again. It is so tru that everything good or bad has to come to an end . Why is it when we enjoy the time, it seems to fly by but when we do not enjoy the time it seems like eternity?

For the past week I have been sleeping late and waking up late. I have no idea how I am going to be able to pull myself up at 5am tomorrow morning. Why do we have to spend so much of our entire life working? Is this the only way to life?

I've recently read a book titled 'How to be sick' by Tony. I forgot her full name but she wrote about how she was infected by an unknown virus and was chroniclly fatigue and having flu symptoms. Despite that she continued working. She describes in her book how she overcome many obstacles using the Buddhist teaching.She also talked about how the sick have to work despite being so sick due to financial problems and how she was lucky because she was already a grandmother when she fell sick so family burden was not a big problem to her. She also had a very supportive husband that was always there for her.In her book she also mentioned that at first when she got sick she always ask 'wy me?' but as she realised after being sick for a while, she said 'why not me?' because she had so many people that cared for her.

As I read her book, I came to realise that my situation is worse than hers. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was still studying, with no insurance, affected my eyesight in the 3rd cycle, and now going blind and losing my job. Its hard to get any help because I barely have started working and my eyesight is already deteriorated to a stage that cannot be reversed.But in the end I am no one to judge who is more unlucky or suffered more. I guess I just find it very difficult to adjust to the life of losing my eyesight. Maybe I need more time...My mom always tell me that the world is coming to an end in 2012 but I told her my world has already ended the day I was diagnosed with cancer.

Enhanced senses

My current vision is a blind right eye and a left eye that can only see movements. Yes, its a struggle everyday but I am coping quite well except perhaps my skills in walking with the white cane or walking with a person.I may be losing my vision, but I realise that my hearing increases and my smelling too!. Increase in hearing is good but increased smelling can be a torture sometimes (especially when you walk into the toilet),
Because I no longer can recognise a person by looking at them, its quite a struggle. Now that I am working, I need to at least recognise my bosses!So far I have no problem recognising my bosses, I do it two ways,
1) Their perfume smell
2) The way they walk (if she wears the same heels everyday because every heals makes different sounds and every person walks differently)
Ok, there is another secret way
that I am quite embarass to tell...its by the person body odour (BO) Yes i mean BO!. I am however not really good in recognising the way people sounds when they talk because not many people approach me and talk to me. I think people thinks I am weird just because I am visually impaired. But of course I recognise voices of those people who are close to me such as my family and close friends .
Its not a surprised that doctors nowadays laccks compassion. I remember going to check my eyes in the hospital and the eye doctor just said 'you can't work, you can't be a pharmacist'.The other day when I was going home from work, my mom and I pass by the eye doctor. Of course I can't see him, but my mom saw. She said the doctor was so bad because he didd not even bother to walk to me and ask how was I. Actually not only doctors have no compassion, even people in our society has no compassion. One early morning, I was walking with my mom in the hospital when she told me to wait at a place because she wants to help a old woman walking with her walking sticks to find a place to sit.While she was helping the old woman, I stood there with my white cane wondering if anyone would ask me if I needed any help. I was there for about half a minute, I heard many people passed by, but nobody offered me help.Like what my mom said 'if the knife does not cut yur flesh, you won't feel the pain'.

This week I've learnt how to do allocation and verification of prescription on the computer.However I was having problem navigating because the hospital computer system was not really compatible with my software. I can verify but when I want to check the clinical notes to see if the particular patient has renal failure, I was unable to accessed it.I can do allocating on the computer too, but it takes longer than a person with vision, because they can click where they want, but i have to find my way there with the keyboard. It is definately slower , but at least it is possible. Anyway, I have given up. I am just so tired of struggling to get people to understand how visually impaired people work. I can't fulfill my pre-registered pharmacist (PRP) requirements, so I have decided to let go.It was a difficult decision, but I think its the best thing for me.

Dweling in self pity

My vision is deteriorating. Sometimes I find myself dweling inself pity.I pity myself, am I not pityful? I can't see people's faces, you can stand right infront of me and I won't know who you are unless you talk to me. Of course I don't dwell in self pity everyday, there's ups and downs. Sometimes when I am going down I will think of something I am grateful for. Luckily I still have a lot of them in my life, for now.
Last week when I was on my way to work walking with my white cane in the hospital,a man slowly walked up to my mom and I and according to my mom keeps staring at us. He mumbled to himself in cantonese "so pityful, so young already blind, just like my daughter at home". I know many blind people are hiding at home because the society treat them very badly.Even when I walk with my white cane in the hospital, people do not give way to me.I think its because malaysian are not really exposed to people with visual problems and thus are not aware of it.
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Since my vision has deteriorated, my hearing has increased.One day I heard my mom talking over the phone to a friend. No i did not eavesdrop,its my hearing is very sharp already! I heard her saying that when she brings me to the hospital everyday, she can see people staring at me like I am some alien. She also added that luckily I can't see that because it will definately make me very sad. But over hearing it makes me sad too. I am over it now of course. I've learnt to let go much faster now. People can stare all they want, I ddidn't even get stared so much before when my vision is okay!but it makes me think, when my friends bring me out do they mind?maybe i shouldn't go out so much with them anymore since i will only bring them unwanted attention.
Of course shopping and going out is so tedious for me that I myself don't want to go out. I can't enjoy shopping like I used to, I can't watch tv, I can't see myself in the mirror , I can't see where my dog is because his fur blends with the floor, but at least he comes to me when i call him. :)I may have lost my vision, but now I can feel alot more. I feel people who are sincere to me and people who are not.

blind can do powerpoint slides too

Today I had presented my slides the blind way. I use the help of JAWS to present. Instead of using my vision to read what is on the slides, the software helps me to read line by line. The problem is, I put the reading speed too fast, kinda like mumbling my way through. I wish I have learnt it when i was in uni, then I won't have to struggle so much! Nevertheless, I of course got help from a person that has no visual problem to help me check my slides. (and you know who you are).
Sometimes my mom ask me, why I have to go so hard against myself by working since I'm already nearly blind. Many people think blind people are those that has bad past karma and are paying for their bad doing in past lives. Why can't they see is as a challenge from God to teach us lessons in life? Of course its not easy being a visually impaired and deteriorating stage, waiting for the day you will go totally blind, but I know if that day really comse, I will have the support I need.

I read somewhere that unlike humans, birds can regenerate their eye nerves if they are damaged. I think this is because God is fair, a bird cannot live if they are blind, they will fly into buildings! but human can change and adapt, if you can't use your vision, use your hearing. There are people that are less fortunate than me, especially those who are blind and deaf. Can you imagine what life would mean to them?I get my inspiration from other people who are struggling more than me. I've read of a teenager who became paralyzed neckdown aftter a diving accident. He went on with life using pencil in his mouth to follow classes in his university Can you imagine me complaining that i have to use my hearing when a person can single mouthly pick up the keyboard letters one by one with his mouth?.

Its been so long...

It's been so long since I've written a blog. My vision now is so bad I can no longer read even with a zooming software.I am not depending on my JAWS (Job accessed with speech) which has a guy's voice which irritates my friend (ee lin) like hell! (She's just jealous)

It's been four months since I've started working as a pre registered pharmacist. I am struggling everyday working there. Luckily I have many people who are willing to help me. I am especially grateful to my friend, Hoo yee yin.!
I'm not going to write such a long blog because I don't know if it will be posted since its the first time I'm blogging depending on my hearing alone...

Orientation mobility EXAM!!!

Orientation and mobility exam is finally over!! Its to test the ability of the blind or visually impaired in using the white cane. Thank God, the exam were performed in pairs, and my partner had a better eyesight than me...but it was a struggle..it was like a cat and mouse race, because my friend,which sees much better walks very fast.
We were told to go to KL Sentrel from MAB (malaysia blind association). If I'm not wrong, its probably 1km walk. There I was behind my friend with the white cane sweeping from left and right while frantically trying to catch my friend that is already WAY AHEAD...go go go..go faster...Sweat pours down my head, I've never sweat so much for a very LOoooNNNNGGGGGG time. Luckily, my friend was in her uniform (bright green color), so my whole journey was 'look for the green, follow the green'!!! When we reach the traffic light where we needed help from 'normal' people, a guy volunteered to help my friend and I to cross. The path to go into the KL sentrel was horrible, the roads are not straight and I feel like a weirdo swinging her stick in the fully crowded area packed with people. Once, I nearly made a guy fall when he trip on my cane! Oh yea, our mission was to go into KL sentral and find Am Bank.but both my friend and I was to embarrassed to ask for help, in the end the invigilator can't stand us and approach and ask 'Can I help you?" So, in the end we managed to find Am Bank and started our way back to MAB again. (HOT and SWEATY). When we reach MAB, and told another friend that we got help from a guy to cross the road, her first question was ' handsome tak??' -.-"""""""

Am I really 'luckier'???

Just had my checkups in UMMC yesterday. My CD34 went down again :(... Still have to be on prophylaxis antiviral...White blood cells are still low...My haematologist said I was 'luckier' than most of the other suffering from the same form of cancer as I do (non-hodgkin's lymphoma) because most of them suffered from relapse again and had to go for further chemotherapy and later stem cell transplant. I was thinking in my heart, I would rather have a relapse than to suffer from the side effects that has rendered me blind in the right eye and visually impaired in the left...Am I really 'luckier'..its hard to say...